Jenmar - Really hot Freddy Krueger.

Just got fired over the phone on a Sunday afternoon.

I was temp to hire through Job Brokers, and the dude in charge of me there called me while I was getting into the shower to let me know Carrington wanted to terminate my contract. He wanted to call me now so I "didn't have to worry about going in to work tomorrow."

They said it was because of "performance issues" and something that basically says I didn't comply with my schedule.

But that's BULLSHIT because I arrive ten minutes early every day, I leave on time, I don't take extra breaks or lunch or anything.

And we have almost daily meetings with our boss to discuss our performance and plan out how to make it better and as of FRIDAY I was doing great.

I asked Chris, the guy from Job Brokers, to see if he could find out more because, really, it makes NO SENSE.

This is just, like. So very out of the blue. In keeping with my resolution(s), I'm gonna make a list of upsides to this.

• I don't have to put on makeup tomorrow.


• I don't have to dress up tomorrow.


• I can go with Ma to the hospital (outpatient, nothing serious) so she doesn't have to drive back.


• I can get unemployment while I job hunt.


• In theory, I won't have to settle for something I hate because unemployment will help money-wise.


• We won't have to spend money on gas getting me to and from work every day.


• I will have more time to write.


• I have makeup and better clothes to interview with.


• I will have more time to figure out how to do art on a computer that tries to kill itself when I open anything that uses practically any memory.


• I can catch up on my comics.

I know these look like stupid upsides, and I shouldn't be happy to lose my job because that means I can write more fanfic, but, really? I'm not happy. I'm grasping at straws because I really liked that job. A LOT. And I thought I was doing good! I usually hate wherever I work and/or am convinced I'm doing horrible and in danger of getting fired, and the one time I think I'm doing okay I actually get fired.

And now I get to redo my resume again. I think there's some way I can work out the OCD planning I do for Chat and our rooms/planning/outtings at WinCon every year. That's totally event planning, right?

Just cried for about five minutes straight because I couldn't make myself stop.

There isn't even anything particularly horrible going on at the moment, just a bunch of little things and the realization that I have almost zero control over anything in my life.

My bank account is -$300 (still, not again) because Ma and CJ don't care.

My phone barely works and Sprint won't do anything but send the same shitty model phone to me, and I am stupidly behind on my bill.

I still have no battery for my laptop, and will probably not have one by WinCon because I have a couple of dollars in PayPal that will be eaten by my bank if I try to transfer so I can buy one.

I live out past where the busses stop and Ma and CJ refuse to put me on the car insurance because they don't think I can drive Ma's Charger—which means I literally cannot leave the house unless Ma wants to take me somewhere.

I have a $105 paycheck from my orientation day at work that I can't even cash because Me doesn't like leaving the house. I also need new shoes for work, a knee brace, and a bra that doesn't have underwire (because mine sets of the metal detector and cuts five minutes each off my 20 break and 30 minute lunch every night).

My job's hours means I can only talk to my friends on Saturdays and Sundays.

I leave for WinCon in a week and a half and have no idea how I'm paying for the room or food or if I'm getting a tattoo or what (fuck you, it's literally the only money I spend on myself all year that isn't needed to survive) because I have to get paid by check and have the above issues with a bank account. And Ma talked to CJ who apparently decided what I'm doing with/for money and how it's working, but they'll tell me eventually.

Oh! I almost forgot. Also, the whole "going back to school" thing I wanted to do is probably not gonna happen because I don't have $130 to pay Phoenix College to release my transcripts to the University of Phoenix so that I can get the loans and financial aid I need.

Also, sleep and net issues means I'm posting MiniBang tomorrow instead of last Friday, and I am fucked because after final beta I am below the 10k minimum and I have to figure out how to up it without it dragging.

I am 25 years old and have no ability to live on my own or have a credit card because I am obscenely in debt from hospital bills and do not come close to making enough to even attempt to try paying them off.

Also? After sitting down and factoring in gas and lunch money with my paycheck, I officially pay to have a job. That I can't stand. And our commission is paid two months out, so if I even hit this ridiculous new quot they have for us I will not actually get paid for it until October.

I make $12.50 an hour, and I would be more of a help with bills if I had no job.

On the plus side, sometime this week my TV will be moved downstairs and I will have a bed again!

I've actually been sleeping on the couch in the living room for the last few months (combination of me not having enough spoons to go up and down our stairs that much every day and Ma's old bed immediately stealing half her spoons every time she slept in it), so this is pretty awesome.

I should make a post relatively soon about my various medical fails (I don't like the term "disabilities" in reference to myself, because mine are not as bad as they could be and, also, it honestly kinda scares me to think about it that way). I don't really talk about them often and, basically, unless you see me entering or leaving WinCon I tend to look like everyone else.

Ugh, yeah.

So, anyway.

Today was a day. I will post small bits because I'm tired and just plain don't want to talk about stuff a lot.

Work is fun, I like it, but I am cursed by people who want to show ads in only a twenty-mile radius (not really their fault, I don't expect a local pizza place, for example, to advertise nation-wide), or who immediately change their entire campaigns once I'm done, thus ensuring that they don't get clicks and I don't get credit. They let us surf YouTube or listen to Pandora or do whatever between calls, so long as we pay attention and stop everything else when we are on a call, so that's awesome too.

I got a random message on Facebook about a week ago from someone who used to know my babysitter when I was little (five or younger, because this was IL). It was incredibly creepy and kinda fucked with my day bad, because my old babysitter was not a good person and bad people tend to be friends with bad people.

Last Monday my big brother entered his plea bargain (I had to go to work), and today he was officially sentenced to natural life without parole. My boss let me off from work so I went up there with Ma and CJ. I'm really glad I got to go, because the judge and the guard let us hug him. I haven't been able to hug him in literally five or six years, because he has non-contact visitation, so when we see each other it's through glass. After court me and Ma got to see him for visitation, but the county jail down in Tucson is half-hour visits only, and through video, so it wasn't like I was used to.

He an Ma cried a lot, so I stayed strong, didn't cry, and didn't let my eyes water much, but now I'm worried that he might think I don't care because I wasn't crying. I didn't want to cry though, because I hate crying and I feel weak and shitty when I do it, and I know it would make them both feel bad, so I didn't. And I'm not crying now because I'm trying not to focus on the fact that if I ever get to physically hug Bryon again it won't be for, at least, twenty years.

And then, and I know this is so fucking piddly in comparison, but money is tight, we got home and I realized my team's pot luck and Secret Santa is tomorrow, so I had to spend ten bucks on a gift card and ended up buying brownies instead of making them because I am fucking tired and it's cheaper than getting everything we need for the brownies. But, still, about fifteen bucks that didn't have to be spent there.

Well, now that I've depressed myself again, and all of you, I'm going to go do things and try to sleep.

So, that twenty hours of OT I worked last week? That twenty-five sales I fought tooth and nail for and that stupid fucking bonus I missed because I got sent home early for being on OT? That $1,000 paycheck after taxes that I'm getting on Friday?

Yeah, every penny of it except for $100 for food for the next two weeks—$50 less than usual—is going to Ma and CJ on Thursday.

Also, every last one of the $33 I have this moment is going to be given to them as soon as I get home too.

All this and I still get yelled at and treated like I'm nine.

Long work-week.

Busted my ass to get seventy-three bucks in commission.

Got second in the stack ranking for a hundred and twenty-five dollar bonus.

And Friday when I get paid I'm handing over three hundred and fifty to my parents for bills and then every other penny of it because their cars and the rent and Ma's school all just got paid and now there's nothing left over.

Sometimes I really fucking hate being a good daughter.

And, in happier news, I have 8,367 words to write by Friday or I'm not making Big Bang.

I don't even have the time to answer comments or do, basically, anything but write non-stop until I hit 20k.

This was gonna be an emo post but what the fuck ever. Basics summed up:

1) Yesterday was my birthday, I did nothing productive and then had a four-hour long fight with a friend that I hate. The fight, not the friend, she's kind of made of tiny, small awesome, and will totally get that.

2) It's a guy in my bay's birthday today so everyone's passing around a birthday card to sign, and I was being emo because I'm an idiot.

3) Nobody here knows it was my birthday yesterday because I didn't tell anyone.

4) I didn't tell anyone for the same reason I never make a huge post about it; because nobody cares and I just feel like an idiot for drawing attention to myself for no reason. (See what I said about making Dean seem healthy?)

5) Is something else that's bothering me but will actually be FLocked because it's about a fic. That's right, I have no problem with the internet knowing I'm a giant loser, but I don't want them to know I have an issue with a fic.

Watch this journal for some insane emo and self-worth issues that make Dean look downright healthy.

ETA in approximately two hours.

So tonight I was supposed to go to the TDK DVD release party at the Blockbuster near my house. They were gonna have a costume contest and prizes and they were gonna show the movie and everything.

I went there.

Wandered around in the store for an hour and a half.

There were TWO other people there, and very highly likely not there for the party.

Fucking depressing, man. I never go out, I never do things, and the one time I do there's nothing to do. A waste of an hour and a half and eight bucks.

At least Ma said she'd get the movie for me—that's already pre-ordered—while I'm at work tomorrow.

Okay, so I just got done coding the Newsletter, right? And I just found stealth__grrl's icons. Dude, they are amazing. Just look. Y'all need to go friend her and nab a bunch of them like, right now.

I still feel like crap, BTW. Not fun. Also? I'm a raging bitch when I'm sick so if I've offended anyone or hurt anyone's feelings or just been an ass to them I apologize. I apologize again because I will likely do so again before I get better.

I spent a big fucking chunk of today working on The Laundry List. Phase two is done. Tomorrow I get to go and compare my notes with the previously seen clothing and then try and code this fucking monster. I need to figure out what I'm going to meta at the end of it. Last season was them doing their laundry so I've already got that covered. I think I already have metas on Dean dressing like John and Sam layering up so doing those again would just be very redundant. Anyone have any ideas?

Also? I'm kinda really bored with my layout now. I love my headers; it's just everything else that's blah. causette, remind me to poke you when you come online.

I also have this icky, icky feeling that I'm gonna end up not being able to go to WinCon. Chelsea's not going but she's still paying my con fee, so that's cool. However I have this huge feeling that either I'm gonna get turned down for financial aid (Because Mom and CJ, who my financial aid go off of, make a combined total of a lot of money) or I'm gonna get it but we're gonna need it for bills in August/September/October or something.

( RL emo. )