clex_monkie89 | Hai thar.

I live.

Yesterday kinda of blew randomly because I was in an emo mood. Lucky for you all I was too emo to make the post I wanted to then.

The basic, non-emo gist of the post is that I very rarely ever actually comment on anyone's entries. Some times it's because I just don't have anything to say but a lot of the time it's because I'm like, completely convinced that I sound like an idiot. Yeah, I'm a freak.

So. Anyway. Probably gonna fail my classes because my sleep sched is all fucked up again and thus I have not been waking up in time to get to class. I plan on just staying up and heading into class tomorrow with no sleep. It should work to my advantage because Bret (the teacher) think I've been sick this whole time as opposed to sick and then oversleeping. Unfortunately I have an oral report tomorrow and all my notes for it are in my notebook at Mom's that she hasn't brought me in two fucking weeks. Because her not fighting rush hour is more important than me passing my fucking class.

Gotta love her.

I may make a ranting post later tonight, maybe.

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...but a lot of the time it's because I'm like, completely convinced that I sound like an idiot.

You're totally not a freak for that. I've lost track of how many times I've left a comment (instead of going your way and staying silent) and then went back all "WHAT WAS I THINKING?!" because I said something really stupid. Happened in comments to some of your entries, come to think of it. :P

Dude, I hate how that works. Because you feel like an idiot and then you fell embarrassed for posting the comment or, in my case, even thinking about posting it. And it's the most retarded thing ever.

:hugs:

I'm emo-ing like whoa right now. Next time I say I want to write an honors thesis, just give me that Dean look of don't be stupid, Sammy, please?

Also, please comment in my journal if you ever have the inclination.

I wish you luck on school.

You know what I love about community college? No thesis.

You know what I hate about community college? I'm having trouble with this.

And I'll totally try to remember to comment. Try being the key word in that sentence.

I took a general studies course at gcc this past summer (yes I've procrastinating in completing my general studies and lower level requirements until the very end) and I must say I liked it. I am a believer in community college. Get all the basics out of the way without paying university price.

To be fair, to graduate from a university one does not need to write a thesis. I'm doing this to graduate from the honors college. It's by far the most diffcult thing I've ever done. My first two chapters are shaping up to be about 35 pages, and I still have one more chapter and the intro and conclusion to write. I know it's not that huge, but for me it's quite out of character. I mean, for my entire academic career I've *never* met the page limit, not once. In fact I think before this the longest things I had written were an 18 page research paper (key word being research) and a 15 page lecture on an Emerson essay. I was always the one who, when the assignment was to be 12-15 pages, I'd get to 10. 5 to 7 pages? I'd usually do in about 4 1/2. Don't get me wrong, my papers weren't short because they were crap, I just always felt I'd accomplished my task before I reach the page minimum. So the fact that I'm swimming in thesis pages is pretty much killing me.

Blah, sorry to ramble. You didn't need to hear all that but I kinda think I needed to get it off my chest before diving back it. :exhales:

To me it doesn't sound like you struggle with community college but rather with events that impede on your attending community college. Hell, if I took the bus I'd never make it to class (a task I've been finding difficult already this semester).

Are you nearly finished with community college?

Not being in school I can't sympathize with the second bit but until I broke my ankle a month ago I NEVER left comments and rarely even posted to my own journal (often going back and editing my posts). I was just too shy/insecure/critical of my own reactions. Now I'm stuck on the couch and sheer boredom has led me to make a LOT of posts. I've just stopped caring about it.
That being said, most of my posts are to fanfic, and I hesitate at personal entries. I almost didn't post this comment:)

*hugs* I promise not to think you're an idiot. YOU'RE CLEX, YOU'RE AWESOME. HOW COULD YOU BE AN IDIOT? \o/

*Hugs back* Dude, it's the fandom. People like

technosage and

poisontaster who use the kind of words in their everyday speak that make me have to tab a dictionary to understand. It's just so hard not to feel like a raging idiot when people are going on and on about deep issues in the show and your biggest thought about the ep was "I wonder how Dean fixed Sam's jacket."

oh, shit man, I am right there with you. I mean, jeez, I watch an episode and my thoughts are like "....awesome" so yeah, I get that.

It's just so hard not to feel like a raging idiot when people are going on and on about deep issues in the show and your biggest thought about the ep was "I wonder how Dean fixed Sam's jacket."

Aw, hon!

It's not a smarter/dumber thing - it's like a Sam is a big tree remembering nerd, and Dean is a big 'I can make my own electronics' geek. People are just different, and I don't mean that in a "there, there" patronising way.

You have an INCREDIBLY creative mind. I love reading your stuff, and your fascination with the wardrobe (and it's implications for the show), totally counts as meta - personally, some of the most interesting meta I've read.

You mentioned in another comment - and I'll just add this here rather than skip around piling on the email notifications :) that it's scary that you're in comm college and failing. I can only speak from personal experience, but I dropped out of college twice before finding what I really could, and wanted to, do. And even then, it was hard. They were all hard. Partly, it's just college. Very few people will not have those terrifying 'omg I'm going to fail' moments - and I'm including people with excellent grades in it. It's a race against yourself, and against RL, as much as anything to do with the material you're studying.

Now, sometimes something just isn't a fit - I don't think that's the case here - you can converse intelligently on your subject. I know that doesn't make it easier, but try to keep a perspective: it might be stupidly hard (for lots of reasons, many of which having virtrually nothing to do with the course material), but you can do this. You're good at this.

And as for the social insecurity thing, thinking you're going to post something you shouldn't? Try not to worry about it too much. Most of us are worried about the same thing, to greater or lesser degrees.

And if you want, feel free to practice on my journal.

Sometimes (*cough* often) I'm the flakiest snowflake in the blizzard, so pretty much nothing is too out there for me, and it's very hard to offend me without trying. So even if you DO find you've posted something and then you're like "oh noes, I remember she said blah and zomg I said blah de blah and MAN that sounds all wrong", don't sweat it. Everyone does it sometimes.

If you have to, you can always delete and leave a "sorry, drunk typing!, ignore my last comment if you get it" comment instead.

Okay, see? Now I'm going "oh shit, I sound like I think I know everything and that she should sit at my feet and learn from my ZOMG WISDOMS", but I'm going to post this anyway. Because that's not what I'm saying, and you probably get that, and maybe this comment will help lend you some perspective, or maybe just go "okay, there are definately crazier LJers then me" or whatever.

Hai thar.

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