clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (SPN - Alone - Sam)
clex_monkie89 ([personal profile] clex_monkie89) wrote2006-10-03 04:01 pm

Fic: Dealing with Life (the Winchester way) [Supernatural]

Title: Dealing with Life (the Winchester way)
Rating: G
Fandom(s): Supernatural
Characters: Sam, Dean.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Words: 728
Summary: Post 0201 - In My Time Of Dying, spoilers. Sam and Dean deal in their own way.


It hits them at the oddest times.

-

They’re driving in the car and listening to music, same as always. A normally innocuous line from the song sticks in Sam's head and suddenly he can't breathe and his throat hurts and his jaw is heavy and no matter how hard or fast his hands swipes he just can't stop the tears.

Dean says nothing.

-

At a Village Inn in Oklahoma the special on the board is chicken-fried steak, Dad's favorite.

They waste $28.35 on food they can't choke down and Dean washes his hands for fifteen minutes while Sam tries not to hyperventilate in a stall.

-

In Idaho their phones turn off.

A six hundred dollar bill sits in Dad's P.O. Box in Kentucky.

They pay for three phones.

-

Sometimes, at night, Sam clutches his father's wedding ring so tight he thinks he might break it.

-

Dean spends hours looking at his father's journal. Not reading, just looking; running his fingers over spattered blood and yellowed pages.

-

Dean turns on Full Metal Jacket one night in Michigan.

Sam screams at him until he turns it off. He remembers staying up late with Dad one night to watch it when he was ten.

-

In Arizona one of Dad's contacts asks how he's doing.

Sam likens that feeling right there to chest surgery without anesthesia.

-

Dean almost breaks in Ohio.

Sam's in a hospital after a hunt gone bad.

Dean hears the voicemail before he realizes what he's done.

Its six days and four states before Dean looks like himself again.

-

Kansas.

Dean buries a handful of ashes from the pyre shallow on Mom's grave.

-

Kansas.

Dean sleeps for three days afterwards. Sam worries for him.

On the fourth day Dean drags himself out of bed, makes Sammy eat something, forces him to sleep and hits the road again.

-

They're in Maine and Dean falls right instead of left, catches the business end of a bowie knife.

In New York Dad’s medic friend, Michael, asks about him, like they always do.

Sam tells him Dad’s doing good, that he’s off on a job.

-

Sam checks their P.O. Boxes in Nevada.

There's a letter from Dad in both Sam and Dean's.

They sleep in the truck that night, even though they have money for a room.

-

Dean works every waking second on The Impala in West Virginia for a month and a week until he gets her fixed.

She’s the last thing his Mom ever rode in, and now the last thing his Dad ever did too.

Sam helps him wash her everyday.

-

They walk into a Satanic Church in Alaska and enter the Bellecy-Acker manor in Georgia.

Kimmy tells them how necromancy, back before it was tainted and made wrong, was originally created to help loved ones deal with sudden deaths or deaths of children.

They don't ask anything and Kimmy offers nothing.

-

In Colorado Sam wakes up crying.

Dean doesn’t know what to do; he pats his back awkwardly and tries not to cringe when Sam tells him about his nightmare.

Because it has to be a nightmare. Sammy doesn't have visions of the past and even if he did Dad couldn't, he wouldn't--

-

Dean drinks himself into a bad case of alcohol poisoning while they're in New Mexico.

He says he didn't mean to.

Sam can't believe him, not now.

-

In Arkansas Sam makes Dean pull off the road and then launches himself at Dean and squeezes him so tight that Dean can’t even pull in enough air to mock him.

He begs Dean not to die too, not to kill himself and leave him alone.

Dean stays still and silent until Sam starts to sob.

-

It's in Missouri that it finally happens, sometime around two in the morning on the way out of state.

Johnny Cash comes on the radio, the one time Dean's not listening to a tape, singing about God cutting down the wicked and Dean loses control.

He stomps the breaks and curls over the steering wheel.

His chest hurts and his jaw is heavy, his throat is sore and his stomach churns. He gasps and sobs and beats at the wheel, he screams and rages and doesn't bother trying to stop the tears.

Sam says nothing.

[identity profile] la-folle-allure.livejournal.com 2006-10-03 11:28 pm (UTC)(link)
In Arkansas Sam makes Dean pull off the road and then launches himself at Dean and squeezes him so tight that Dean can’t even pull in enough air to mock him.

He begs Dean not to die too, not to kill himself and leave him alone.

Dean stays still and silent until Sam starts to sob.


*SOBS*

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-03 11:57 pm (UTC)(link)
They're just so very pretty when they break, aren't they?
embroiderama: (Dean & Sam - shadow)

[personal profile] embroiderama 2006-10-03 11:32 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh, holy crap, wow! This is beautiful and terribly sad, it just takes my breath away. *hugs the boys*

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-03 11:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you very much, I'm glad you liked this!

[identity profile] alias_chick.livejournal.com 2006-10-03 11:41 pm (UTC)(link)
That was absolutely raw, extremely powerful!

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-03 11:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
lark_ascends: Blue and purple dragonfly, green background (Default)

[personal profile] lark_ascends 2006-10-03 11:44 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh, that hurts.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-03 11:59 pm (UTC)(link)
I try my best. Thank you for commenting!

[identity profile] killabeez.livejournal.com 2006-10-03 11:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Awesome. Yes. I love this. I'm going to come back and read it again later, when I'm not so tired and stressed out and can spare some time to grieve and probably cry. I've been waiting for someone to write this well, and I'm so grateful you did.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 12:01 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, wow. Thank you so much for the wonderful comment! I'm glad you enjoyed this so much!

[identity profile] mooyoo.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 12:02 am (UTC)(link)
*sniff* I love it. Especially the end, perfect. The simplicity of each piece actually makes each one very interesting and meaningful. *sigh* I need more post-In My Time of Dying fic like this.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 12:05 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you so much!

I totally have a good handfull of these in my head right now. Because Sam and Dean? Are Winchesters above all and would not "deal" with this. They would/will ignore it until it eats a hole in them and they HAVE to deal with it. Even Sam, who's all about talking, probably wants to avoid it for a bit.

[identity profile] unamaga.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 12:03 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, baby, you make it hurt so good. Our poor boys. :(

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 12:06 am (UTC)(link)
Aw, thank you! They're just so very pretty when they're broken...

[identity profile] mirrorskippy.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 12:32 am (UTC)(link)
Okay, ow.

I want to launch myself at both of them and just cling. :clings to you instead:

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 12:40 am (UTC)(link)
*Clings back* These boys, you know? They just ask you to make them hurt.

[identity profile] bbrownsugar.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 01:01 am (UTC)(link)
That hurt. It's hard to deal with losing someone that close to you, and I think the boys will grieving for a very long time.

Nicely done.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 05:16 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed this!

[identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 01:04 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, very, very nice. I love the sequence of grief and 'almost' that plays throughout this story.

Dean spends hours looking at his father's journal. Not reading, just looking; running his fingers over spattered blood and yellowed pages.
I love this detail, this tactile remembering and refusing to let go.

squeezes him so tight that Dean can’t even pull in enough air to mock him.
He begs Dean not to die too, not to kill himself and leave him alone.
Dean stays still and silent until Sam starts to sob.

Loved this completely, and the earlier part where Sam can't be persuaded that Dean doesn't want to die.

And loved the conclusion as well. Because sometime it has to happen, and when it does it you know it's going to be awfully big. :(

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 05:26 am (UTC)(link)
I love this detail, this tactile remembering and refusing to let go.

It's Dean, needing to know his father existed. That he walked the Earth and had flesh and was more than a handful of scraped-together ashes.

Loved this completely, and the earlier part where Sam can't be persuaded that Dean doesn't want to die.

Sam can really never forget how easily Dean gave up on himself back in Nebraska.

And loved the conclusion as well. Because sometime it has to happen, and when it does it you know it's going to be awfully big. :('

It just seemed like the only way to end it. Dean would never let Sam hold him and soothe him, Sam knows this. And Sam wont lie and say it'll all be okay because they both know it wont.

I'm glad you enjoyed this so much! Thank you so much for all the wonderful complements!
ext_11786: (sam and dean no text)

[identity profile] dotfic.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 01:16 am (UTC)(link)
Whoa. This is raw and powerful, real and full of emotion yet understated. Oh, boys. Terrific work.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 05:30 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed this!

[identity profile] tvismylife.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 01:24 am (UTC)(link)
Oh god...I'm broken.

That was sooo good. Painful, but good!

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 05:32 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed this!

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 05:34 am (UTC)(link)
*Pets you*

[identity profile] somedaybitch.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 02:26 am (UTC)(link)
Dean spends hours looking at his father's journal. Not reading, just looking; running his fingers over spattered blood and yellowed pages.


and

Dean almost breaks in Ohio.

Sam's in a hospital after a hunt gone bad.

Dean hears the voicemail before he realizes what he's done.

Its six days and four states before Dean looks like himself again.



superb characterization.

Sam checks their P.O. Boxes in Nevada.

There's a letter from Dad in both Sam and Dean's.

They sleep in the truck that night, even though they have money for a room.


as is this.

i still call my mom's house on days that i know she won't be home because, 3 years on, she still hasn't changed the answering machine message and i get to hear my stepdad's voice when it rings through.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 05:44 am (UTC)(link)
superb characterization.

Thank you so much!

i still call my mom's house on days that i know she won't be home because, 3 years on, she still hasn't changed the answering machine message and i get to hear my stepdad's voice when it rings through.

I'm glad the reasoning came through on that one, I was afraid that maybe no one else would get it...

[identity profile] iamstealthyone.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 05:04 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, ow. Poor, angsty, broken boys.

These are such sharp, painful snapshots of them trying to move on after John dies. And of course Sam breaks out in tears before Dean does.

*hugs them*

Favorite lines:

In Arizona one of Dad's contacts asks how he's doing.

Sam likens that feeling right there to chest surgery without anesthesia.


Oh, that’s such a good description of grief. Ow.

Dean hears the voicemail before he realizes what he's done.

Its six days and four states before Dean looks like himself again.


Oh, Dean.

Dean works every waking second on The Impala in West Virginia for a month and a week until he gets her fixed.

She’s the last thing his Mom ever rode in, and now the last thing his Dad ever did too.

Sam helps him wash her everyday.


I especially love this, because it gives the Impala even more importance than it had in their lives before, and the way they treat it with such reverence is so bittersweet.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 05:59 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed this!

And the Impala was a big thing to their lives before; it was the only home they ever knew. Now though? It's so much more.
ext_56966: (Default)

[identity profile] fiddleyoumust.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 05:34 am (UTC)(link)
OH, oh, oh.

You know how much I love you right?

Well I do you fucking whore and I'm crying again because this freaking beautiful and painful and ouch.

I love them so, so much.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 06:05 am (UTC)(link)
*Squishes you*

I love you too! And I'd say I was sorry I made you cry but I'd be lieing.

[identity profile] ewanspotter.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 06:32 am (UTC)(link)
*takes a breath* Wow. I just... wow. There are no words right now. Beautiful and broken and just everything in between. This is amazing.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 06:36 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<i.so</i>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Thank you <i.so</i> much, I'm glad you liked this!

[identity profile] apieceofcake.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 08:05 am (UTC)(link)
* sniff* That hurt, but was very well done and I could really see this happening. Thank you :-)

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 07:28 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you so much for the compliment, I'm glad you enjoyed this!

[identity profile] whiskyinmind.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 09:00 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, man! This is just so beautifully, painfully, spot on! The characterisation, the pain... just wonderful!

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 07:29 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you so very much, I'm glad you enjoyed this!

[identity profile] veradeath.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 08:45 pm (UTC)(link)
*HEARTBREAKING*

If I could cry, I would be right now.

*clings*

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 09:06 pm (UTC)(link)
*Clings back* Thank you!

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_sapphiredreams/ 2006-10-04 10:18 pm (UTC)(link)
This was so sad. It was also elegant, in a way, with it's simplicity, with the emotion just there.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 10:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed this!

[identity profile] misshallelujah.livejournal.com 2006-10-04 11:44 pm (UTC)(link)
This was short, sweet, painful, beautiful. I loved how you captured all the small facets of grief in between the lines. The snippet that somehow broke my heart the most:

Dean works every waking second on The Impala in West Virginia for a month and a week until he gets her fixed.

She’s the last thing his Mom ever rode in, and now the last thing his Dad ever did too.

Sam helps him wash her everyday.


Oh, boys. *wibbles*

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-05 12:01 am (UTC)(link)
I'm glad that you liked this, thank you very much!

[identity profile] faithintheboys.livejournal.com 2006-10-05 12:37 am (UTC)(link)
Oh man, that was just, amazingly beautiful and it made me hurt. Which sometimes you need. Awww man this was great.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-05 12:43 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed this!

[identity profile] nasus221.livejournal.com 2006-10-05 03:44 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh God. Reading this makes me anxious about the amount of sadness we're going to see tonight.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-05 04:35 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm totally all afraid and stomach-churny about it. I'm glad you wnjoyed this and thank you for commenting!

[identity profile] missyjack.livejournal.com 2006-10-07 10:48 am (UTC)(link)
here on a rec from [livejournal.com profile] halfshellvenus
beautiful exploration of grief here. realy moving piece.

[identity profile] clex_monkie89.livejournal.com 2006-10-08 03:20 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you so much, I'm so happy you enjoyed this and took the time to comment!

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