[Meta] Supernatural: Sam and Emo.

[clex_monkie89]

Okay. So. Sam has a right to be Emo. He has a right to want normal, and he has a right to crave normal and he isn't a horrible person for going after that.

Okay so we know that Sam and Dean and John moved around at least a little bit when the boys were growing up. We know that they lived in motels [Something Wicked] and it's safe to say that they lived in the car at least while driving around. They probably lived in a few apartments but I doubt it was very many because most apartments require cleaning deposits, insurance deposits and first and last months rent up front. Not the kind of stuff you can use a credit card on. That's ignoring trying to get electricity in the place and other things that require money like that.

Now even if they all stayed somewhere long enough to get an apartment they probably still stayed in a motel while John, and maybe Dean too, got enough money scraped together. There are apartments out there that don't require all that stuff. They're usually the places in high-crime neighborhoods; the places that are glorified motels and have hookers and drug dealers and other people like that living there.

Imagine you are in sixth grade, the beginning of middle school. Now imagine that you are Sammy. You don't remember ever owning a single piece of clothing that someone else hasn't worn first. You don't have a phone number and you wont invite anyone over cause you don't want the other kids to know you live in a motel or, during those rough stretches without money or a way to get it, a car.

You never wear short sleeves even though it's hot because you have scars that make the teachers call the police, you aren't allowed out alone, you aren't allowed out after dark and you have to be home every day at four no matter what. You always bring your lunch to school and it's almost always PB&J and when you don't it's because there isn't enough money to eat this week.

Your clothes smell weird and have weird stains and you can't tell anyone it's because a demon gooped all over you a month ago and the smell and stuff wont come out. You've stitched up your father and brother and seen them both almost die more times than you watched The Simpsons, you feel overwhelming terror every time a cop pulls over the car and you live in fear of the day they ask if they can open the trunk.

Now tell me you wouldn't want to change all that.

Growing up Sam was always the new kid at every school. He probably had no friends and didn't play with the other kids during recess and was always the weird kid that no one talked to or liked. He was the kid who sat against the wall and never talked and who the teacher always praised for his good grades and who always waited in the classroom for his big brother when school was out. Kids don't talk to that kid.

Sam doesn't like having to try and remember what his name is this month or his new social security number this week. He doesn't like worrying himself to the point of vomiting when Dean and/or Dad are late coming home. He doesn't like being afraid of the police and the teachers and the school nurse. He doesn't like being afraid to eat over at someone's house because he's afraid he'll eat too much.

In all of Sam's 18 years with John I don't think he ever spent a night at a friend's house. Not once. John wouldn't feel safe enough to let that happen. Eighteen years old and Sam probably has all the social skills of a rabid hamster.

Dean has his "mission" and that helps him live the life; if Sammy's safe he can deal with not having any friends or anything like that. Everyone thinks he's cooler than fuck anyway, as long as he can get laid when he wants to it's okay. Sam doesn't have this. Sam has nothing to help him "deal" with this life except for a brother and father who probably get overbearing with their single-minded need to keep him safe.

Sam wants what he sees as a safe life. He wants a stable address and friends and food in the fridge. He wants to have a teacher for more than a month and a job that's not day labor and a friend who can come over to his place when he wants to. He wants to be able to study with someone he isn't related to if he doesn't understand something. He wants to not worry about speaking Farsi for half a month because of an awkward exorcism.

Sam never again wants to get picked up for shoplifting by the father of the meanest bully in his class, never wants to see kids from his school at the mall while he and Dean are getting sandwiches and juice-boxes from the Home Base* van.

It's not about hunting monsters. It's not about living a life where he ignores all the bad things that shouldn't exist and hoping they'll go away. It's about wanting something stable and something that makes him even a little like anyone else. I'm almost sure that if they had a home base or if Sammy knew any other kids like him that things would be different. If he had someone else to talk to that wasn't his blood he probably wouldn't mind everything as much as he did.

Dean will never know what it's like to be Sam: to desperately want people to like him and to feel like complete scum every time someone gives him that look.

Dean was the kind of kid who could make acquaintances with anyone and be fine. He could worm his way into the jocks, hit on the nerd-girls, and feel perfectly at home with the law-breaking troublemakers. Dean's adaptive and has the kind of confidence that will get him accepted anywhere.

Sam is not. He's kinda shy, sorta awkward, nerdy as fuck but not in the way where he raises his hand in class all the time. Like most teenagers he doesn't think there's anyone else like him in the world, unlike most teenagers he knows for a fact that he's right. He doesn't listen to their music and he doesn't have the free time or money to go watch their movies and stay home and watch their shows.

It's not that Sam wants to abandon John and Dean, it's not even that he doesn't want to save people from the things that go bump in the night; he just doesn't like being looked down on for all the things that come along with it.





[*Home Base Youth Services is the name of the homeless shelter for youths up to 21 here in Phoenix. Aside from the shelter they also have a van that comes to the large mall here and they give sandwiches and juice and bottles of water to the kids who live there. They come by every night at the same time and they don't lecture or anything. If you're there they give you a bag unless you refuse it. They don't make you ask because they know it's a pride thing. There are things like this in lots of places going by lots of names.]

Comments

[mrscutedean.livejournal.com]

*falls down*

Sorry, there's so much WORD I fell over it. WORD WORD WORD dude. Absolutely.

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm a Dean Girl as much as anyone but I'm also a gigantic fan of Sammich and I totally feel totally feel the overwhelming need to defend him lately.

[resounding-echo.livejournal.com]

No one has to right to be Emo.

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

Sam totally has the right. The rest of the world also has an even bigger right to make fun of him constantly for it. It is a God Given Right even.

[mooyoo.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Agreed on Sam's right to emo (though I admit that I get a little tired of his constantly brooding and feeling guilty about everything sometimes), but I'm not sure I agree on everything you said about Sam's and Dean's childhoods - or anyway, I don't think I see them the same way.

Dean was the kind of kid who could make acquaintances with anyone and be fine.

I don't know, I just don't see this, at least as a kid/teenager. To be honest, I see Sam as the one who really fit in at school (despite their constant moving around), and Dean as the kid who was always the "freak," "weirdo," the odd one out.

When you're a kid, being different is usually looked down on, mocked, etc etc etc - to be different is to be wrong, and both kids are definitely very different from everyone else.

Sam obviously always wanted to fit in, never wanted to be different, and I think he probably worked hard to maintain a "normal" persona when it came to his school life - I can totally see him being into school plays and sports and doing as much extra curricular stuff as he could in between moving and hunting, and begging John to let them stick around for another semester of school because he wants to run for class president, and because his swim team is going to the state championships, and because he has a date with one of the popular girls. I don't know, to me Sam has never struck me as the shy or awkward type.

Dean, on the other hand, to me was always the "weird kid". Not interested in school, not interested in sports, not interested in hanging out with other kids at school unless it was to get something out of them (money, sex, info, whatever), and he knew how to play people to get what he wanted from them, but not how to really interact and be friends with anyone else, and I think that left him out for a good bit of his life. I think he never really had any friends or aquaintences other than his father's friends and Sam. I don't think he ever really let it bother him, at least not consciously, because he sees his life and his job as so much more important than school and friends.

This is how I see it: Dean is this kid who doesn't have a mom because she was gutted and burned to death on their cieling, which he whitnessed part of. Since he was 4 he's never lived in the same place for more than a few months and all his close ties outside of his father and brother were cut. He hunts demons with his father and he's not allowed to talk about that, or how his mother died. He's different from everyone and he knows it.

Sam, on the other hand, wants to be normal, wants to do normal things like star in plays and get good grades and go to college and not learn bow-hunting. He tried hard to be normal, didn't want to be different from everyone. And he couldn't do that and continue living with his family. I think he got tired of lying about his life, tired of having to make up BS reasons for their constant moving, tired of having to miss school and other normal kid activities to go hunting with John and Dean, got tired of being lectured by John when he wasn't interested in doing something, etc etc, and really want to live a completely normal life.

[continuing in a second post 'cause I talk too damn much]

[mooyoo.livejournal.com]

I totally agree that he didn't abandon Dean and John - from their perspective, especially Dean who seems like he cares for almost no one outside of the two of them and is desperate to keep them close for fear of losing them, I'm sure it felt like abandonment. But none of them had an easy life, and Sam got to the point where he was an adult and had to make his own choices for his life, and this isn't what he wanted for himself, and he had every right to go and try to make himself happy.

It's like that scene in Shadows, when they're talking about how things used to be and how Dean just wants things to be like that again, and sounds so desperate and sad wanting that back, and Sam tells him honestly that things could be like that again, but he doesn't want them to be, because he wasn't happy - he's unhappy in this life, and he shouldn't have to live it.

I think the thing is, both boys have had a really rough time, but in completely different ways. While I don't completely agree with your view of their childhoods, I think you're totally right that Dean will never understand what it was like for Sam growing up. By the same token, Sam will never understand what it was like for Dean growing up - he wasn't traumatized by his mother's death, he didn't see their father transform from a normal dad to a hunter, he doesn't live with the same fear of losing his family that Dean does, he didn't have to take care of a younger sibling while John was away, he didn't have to make the same sacrifices that Dean did, etc etc etc.

Frankly, considering all the shit Sam has been through, right up through seeing his girlfriend gutted and burning on the cieling, he totally has the right to be emo all he wants (though again, I don't always want to watch it - I think I prefer laughing!Sam to emo!Sam). And Dean totally has the right to be emo anytime he wants to as well, but that's really not his style except in very small doses when he's dying or relating traumatic childhood stories.

Woosh, I said a mouthful. Sorry!

Part 1 (You aren't the only one who talks a lot)

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

First off let me apologize for how long it's taken to respond to this. My brother's been hogging the laptop during dayight hours for Diablo 2 lately and I've only been kinda coherent by the time I've gotten on.

To be honest, I see Sam as the one who really fit in at school (despite their constant moving around)

See I think my main problem with that is that I see Sam trying to fit in a lot. Like he'd overdo it. I've seen plenty of New Kids in my day come in and try to be "cool" by joining as many clubs as they can and trying to buddy up to everyone and trying out for all the sports. Ususally they end up making everyone hate them.

I don't know, to me Sam has never struck me as the shy or awkward type.

See, I think I have this impression of him because of the Pilot and Provenance. The shyness from the Piloet, mainly because of how... uncomfortable he looked at the Halloween party. And while yes, it could have been chalked up to Halloween, he also stated in Hookman that he wasn't the "party" type. The awkward in part from Provenance and Sam's complete spazz-out when he saw the painting again ("Oh my God! That painting. It's so... Good.") coupled with personal experience. I've been that kid who had to lie to everyone and no matter how long you've been doing it you still get that panic in the pit of your stomach that everything's about to come crashing down around you.

Dean, on the other hand, to me was always the "weird kid". Not interested in school, not interested in sports, not interested in hanging out with other kids at school unless it was to get something out of them (money, sex, info, whatever), and he knew how to play people to get what he wanted from them [...]

And right there? You've just described my little brother. He's actually why I came to the conclusion that Dean was... "cool" growing up. Joseph didn't give a crap about his grades and never played a sport and didn't really give a flying fuck about any of the other kids. He also has that attitude about him that screams: "Go away, you are a lesser being and I care not for your petty things." And because of that people seem to try and flock to him and try to be his friend. He totally uses the fuck out of the idiots until he just decides he doesn't want to bother with them anymore and stops answering his phone when they call.

To me? That was Dean growing up. That's not to say that in grade school Dean wasn't in pure hell every day, because I think he was. I also think there were a few schools here and there where Dean was treated exactly like the big freaky outsider he was, the school that didn't get new kids a lot or where most of the kids had been going to school together for years and years or something.

Since he was 4 he's never lived in the same place for more than a few months and all his close ties outside of his father and brother were cut. [...] He's different from everyone and he knows it.

Which is, I think, part of why I see Dean like this. To other kids it appears like he's really cool and aloof and maybe even a little snobby (The way he scoffs at everyon and everything); he almost acts like he's better than everyone and doesn't have time for them. In reality Dean just knows the facts by now: These children know nothing. They are niave and stupid and in about a month and a half he's gonna be out of there so why should he bother trying to impress them?

Part 2 (You aren't the only one who talks a lot)

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

Sam, on the other hand, wants to be normal [...]

Exactly. I think part of the reason why The Winchester Life never fit Sam as good as it fit Dean is because Dean knew Mommy before and he saw those flames the chased after them. If Dean had been raised by someone else after The Fire he probably still wouldn't've turned out like everyone else because he would probably still remember that Mommy died and the fire chased him out of the room and out of the house. Sam really had the chance for normal. If he had been raised by someone else he would be like all the other kids in school because he was just a baby and doesn't really have that "turning point" memory. His life didn't suddenly change one day, it wasn't ripped away from him in fire, it's always been the way it's been for as long as he can remember.

I think you're totally right that Dean will never understand what it was like for Sam growing up. By the same token, Sam will never understand what it was like for Dean growing up [...]

And that's it right there. Sam and Dean had completely different lives growing up. Dean had his responsibilities and his charges and things he had to do, including mothering poor little Sammy until Sam probably wanted to knock him unconscious just so he could go to outside alone. Sam didn't have those responsibilities. Sam's life growing up was really nothing at all like Dean's and Dean's was nothing like Sam's.

[deirdre-c.livejournal.com]

I love his post SO MUCH! The idea that Sam is being a jerk for wanting normal and for going after it by himself with guts and intelligence and determination is utterly wrong. Thanks for laying out some really good points why. :)

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

What can I say, I love Sam and I feel the need to defend him from time to time. I really think it's uncool to dislike Sam so much for going after what he wants. I mean, given, we don't know the whole story on how he left but getting a mad-on just because he left? Only Dean and John the right to that.

[jamjar.livejournal.com]

Just a huge yes. Sam obviously liked having friends, people he could say he knew and trusted and that knew, trusted and liked him, enough to have a photo with him, you see that really clearly in Skin. Just as you how for Dean, that's not only not the case, but almost bizarre- that for him, I think, the idea of knowing someone well enough to disbelieve the evidence is pretty much limited to Sam and John.

Have you seen the draft pilot script? It's interesting, not least because Sam specifically states, when Dean is having a go at him for wanting to be normal, that he left to be happy.
SAM
But you gotta understand-- I... just had to get outta there. For once, I wanted to be...
DEAN
Normal? Cause... you’re pretty much a freak.
SAM
Not normal. Happy. You know. Just... have friends. I think I wanna marry Jess-- I mean, not now, but one day. Raise kids-- kids who won’t be terrified all the time.

I suspect that, left to his own devices, Sam might have been a weekend-hunter. Not travelled from city to city, maybe, but he would have taken care of things when they came up, when he was aware of them, if John and Dean hadn't made it such a one-or-the-other choice.

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

Have you seen the draft pilot script?

I have it downloaded but haven't gotten around to reading it yet because I procrastinate. That little excerpt right there though? Fits perfectly.

I suspect that, left to his own devices, Sam might have been a weekend-hunter. Not travelled from city to city, maybe, but he would have taken care of things when they came up, when he was aware of them, if John and Dean hadn't made it such a one-or-the-other choice.

Oh yes. I am firmly of the belief that Sam still kept up The Family Business while at Stanford. I don't think he hunted things out but at the same time I don't think Sam is the kind of person who could say hear about "dog attacks" on campus and not do anything about it.

I think what really broke the camel's back was the insistence that they alienate themselves from everybody else. If they had a solid home base and weren't dragged all over at random with no stability I don't think Sam would've had such a huge problem.

[fiddleyoumust.livejournal.com]

Grrr... I haven't even read it yet, but the title makes me want to hit Sammich in the face. :D


And... Hi!

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

But don't you like Sammich now? Because of how much he loves His Dean and cause of how in a heartbeat and would do it again?

And? Hi! *Waves* D'ya have fun camping?

[fiddleyoumust.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I still get irrationally angry at Sammich.

*calms down*

And yes camping was super fun! I have actual color in my skin now.

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

Sammich needs ove though, everyone gets angry at him all the time and he doesn't deserve it.

...The color you got wouldn't have happened to have been red, would it? :P