clex_monkie89 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clex_monkie89) wrote2005-03-27 09:49 pm
clex_monkie89) wrote2005-03-27 09:49 pm
God I hate my life sometimes.
I don't like to complain about my life a lot. Things in it yes, it itself? No.
But...
I just got off the phone with my baby brother (Who is seventeen) and he was crying.
Fucking crying. He never cries. I cry more than him, hell I had to go and sit in our study when I got off the phone with him because his crying and my lack of ability to be there or convince him that things'll get better set off a fucking chain reaction in me.
He and his girlfriend may have just been forced to breakup because she lives a twenty minute drive away and her parents have decided they don't want to drive her anywhere anymore. But that's not the only reason he was crying. Steffie (His GF) and me spent today at my Grandma's, he's already there for the last week because he has Mono (He got it from her and she got it from her little sister ['s plates]) and isn't allowed in the dorms while he has it. Grandma got pissed because they were sitting too close together and she's mad at him. That made him mad but he wouldn't tell Steffie why he was mad when she was there. That made Steffie mad. Her parents are mad at each other and taking it out on her.
My brother hates living in the dorms and they are constantly trying to kick him out of Job Corps.
My mother gets released from prison on April 29th and my brother just informed me that he wants to go live with her when she gets out.
He said that fate doesn't want him and Steffie together and that it's a sign. I told him no it wasn't and he said that everything that ever is supposed to be good in our life turns out to be shit.
I couldn't think of a comeback for that. He (While still crying and sniffing) said that Job Corps was suppossed to be so great and the answer to our problems--but look at it. And it's true. I felt better in general and about myself when we were living in the streets with mom and/or dad with no money. You have no hope when you're there instead of this immense false hope that this place throws at you and then keeps yanking out from under your feet.
I've been happier sitting in a Motel 6, with no food and no money, and no idea where/how we were going to be the next day than I do sitting in here. The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is the fact that I don't want a write-up, and even then that's because the thought of moving back across the hall with assholes I don't know scares the fucking shit out of me. I feel so depressed sometimes that I just don't want to fucking move. Best part? About two or three months ago I went to Dr. Cabianca, the psychologist for our Job Corps, and told him I wanted to see a mental health intern here again because I felt like I needed it. He said said that one of the interns would contact me by the end of the week.
It's a good thing I'm not suicidal though because I'm still waiting for one of these damn motherfuckers to get back to me.
God just...
Ignore me, I just needed to get that off my chest and yeah... that whole "lack of anyone to talk to" thing.
God I fucking hate this place. I'm really fucking tempted to go with Mom when she get's out. Fuck staying in the dorms for college. Gah man. Just...
Shit.
But...
I just got off the phone with my baby brother (Who is seventeen) and he was crying.
Fucking crying. He never cries. I cry more than him, hell I had to go and sit in our study when I got off the phone with him because his crying and my lack of ability to be there or convince him that things'll get better set off a fucking chain reaction in me.
He and his girlfriend may have just been forced to breakup because she lives a twenty minute drive away and her parents have decided they don't want to drive her anywhere anymore. But that's not the only reason he was crying. Steffie (His GF) and me spent today at my Grandma's, he's already there for the last week because he has Mono (He got it from her and she got it from her little sister ['s plates]) and isn't allowed in the dorms while he has it. Grandma got pissed because they were sitting too close together and she's mad at him. That made him mad but he wouldn't tell Steffie why he was mad when she was there. That made Steffie mad. Her parents are mad at each other and taking it out on her.
My brother hates living in the dorms and they are constantly trying to kick him out of Job Corps.
My mother gets released from prison on April 29th and my brother just informed me that he wants to go live with her when she gets out.
He said that fate doesn't want him and Steffie together and that it's a sign. I told him no it wasn't and he said that everything that ever is supposed to be good in our life turns out to be shit.
I couldn't think of a comeback for that. He (While still crying and sniffing) said that Job Corps was suppossed to be so great and the answer to our problems--but look at it. And it's true. I felt better in general and about myself when we were living in the streets with mom and/or dad with no money. You have no hope when you're there instead of this immense false hope that this place throws at you and then keeps yanking out from under your feet.
I've been happier sitting in a Motel 6, with no food and no money, and no idea where/how we were going to be the next day than I do sitting in here. The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is the fact that I don't want a write-up, and even then that's because the thought of moving back across the hall with assholes I don't know scares the fucking shit out of me. I feel so depressed sometimes that I just don't want to fucking move. Best part? About two or three months ago I went to Dr. Cabianca, the psychologist for our Job Corps, and told him I wanted to see a mental health intern here again because I felt like I needed it. He said said that one of the interns would contact me by the end of the week.
It's a good thing I'm not suicidal though because I'm still waiting for one of these damn motherfuckers to get back to me.
God just...
Ignore me, I just needed to get that off my chest and yeah... that whole "lack of anyone to talk to" thing.
God I fucking hate this place. I'm really fucking tempted to go with Mom when she get's out. Fuck staying in the dorms for college. Gah man. Just...
Shit.
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My problem is that I'm a gigantic wuss and that no matter how much I say I don't want anything to do with her... She's my mom. With the exception of two weeks ago I haven't seen her since November of '02. I hate her with a passion but...
I haven't seen my dad since I was sixteen either because he went to prison a few months before she did. I've seen my older bro a handful of times since I was fifteen and he's in prison until I'm thirty. With good behavior. I know I'm not mature enough to be on my own right now, hell the thought of ever living by myself scares the shit out of me.
I desperatly don't want to go down that road but... God there are days (Like today) where I know I'm going to fail college prep, and if that happens I won't be allowed to stay in the dorms once I get my license and then I'll have no choice but to move in with her. She fucked up my credit bad enough that I can't get a place of my own without at least two thousand saved up.
I'm sorry to completely unload on you it's just that... I don't know. I can bottle my shit up pretty good usually but today... Has just been too much at once apparently.
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If you study now you will pass college prep just fine. You are plenty smart and you can do it.
*hugs*
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My problem with my family is I'm complete putty to them. They're the reason I found out I can forge signatures easily. Why? Because the Jews know how to work a guilt trip like nobodies bussiness. I can't have a bank account because of her but she makes me feel guilty about nor writing her.
College Prep is freaking me out because if I miss or am late one more day it's an automatic fail (I was late once because I broke my glasses & I missed once because my Grandma made me go to my Aunt's for no reason) and my teacher volunteered me for all of Wednesday somewhere else so if we get back late I'm fucked.
That and the whole make a fool of myself because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing/talking about thing.
Y'know, just the usual crap [O' Doom].
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*does a cheer*
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A lot.
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I had no idea your life was like this, Charlie. If I can do anything, or if you just need to talk to someone, please let me know, okay? Yeah, life can suck, but sometimes it gets good, too. You just have to find a way.
And don't get pissed because I'm sounding all hokey, either. I deal with crap too, and I found my way of dealing with it, and it just happens to sound hokey, so *nyah!*
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It's just those times that I can't that I lose it (Obviously). I promise, the next time I go insane I'll poke you in th brain first, 'kay?
I won't get pissed, hokey is hokey, but it helps sometimes. I usually deal with it by ignoring until my brain implodes but... Sometimes? It doesn't always work.
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SMILE!
Anyhoo, enough of my ditzy randomness...
*Throws a pie and runz*
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O.O >.< O.O? (Blinks)
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They will be sorry they ever let me in.
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In case you can't tell (which considering I'M drawing this with computer keyboard symbols and it's inconcievable to me how ANYone could draw things with computer keyboard symbols, I totally couln't blame you) this is me giving the metal sign.
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