Salt-water.

I cried today. This is notable because (With two exceptions) I don't remember having ever cried before. I'm sure that I cried when I was younger, but for as long as I can remember (Pretty far back) I have only cried twice (Aside from today). Both where in the last 5 1/2 months.

17 1/2 14 1/2 years without anything aside from allergy eyes and poking myself in the eye with various objects, and then I come to Job Corps and turn into a crybaby.

My first cry was in late Jan when I was told I needed a catheter. That cry was due to sheer and utter terror. Not fear but a deep terror (Caused by two separate but identical "Mishaps").

My second time was the knee. That was pain.

Today? Nothing physical, just the stunning realization that I've just wasted 5 1/2 months of my life and have just increased my chances of ending up exactly where my parents are.

See I knew that when I had my surgery they would have to medically terminate me from Job Corps, because of the time I'll miss. I went to the nurse (I like to think of her as Mrs. Kavorkian) today to ask if I could just take a leave for the surgery(Think of it as a vacation) so I don't have to start over in the dorms as Phase I with no points, a 10 o'clock curfew, and a top bunk on the top floor. She tells me that I won't be allowed back in until I'm done with physical therapy. When the doctor told me I needed surgery he said when it was done I would have to go through at least a year of PT (Two or three days a week, no idea the session length yet).

I am 18 now. That means that I will be 19 and all of my friends (All 3 of them--not sarcasm) will be gone. I should be used to it by now but...

I know what everyone says, everyone will call, or write but you know what? It doesn't happen. Aside from the fact that I'll be living with my grandmother who limits computer and phone use is the simple fact that when sanrei, seven_flower, and sakura_aideen graduate they will have lives, jobs, family, and other things like that. People get distracted. Just ask my old friend Crystal. While your at it tell her to call me back already (It's glaringly obvious what's going on there but I like to cling to my delusions and pray she's just busy).

But I digress.

Everything was going pretty okay, my family (Grandma, aunts, and uncles) is proud of me (For now), I'm working on getting my GED and diploma, I'm already 1/2-way through my first trade (Security), I'm Phase II, I have friends, I finally have the bottom bunk, and I have 3 roommates who I get along with great.

Now it's gone to shit.

As soon as AHCCCS approves my surgery I'm going to have it at the first available date (Because God forbid I should have it a little later and screw up my grandmother's schedule), as soon as that happens I will be terminated from Job Corps for at least a year. I'm trying to figure out if there's a way to fuck with my PT to get it on the weekends and after school, I'll still have to get myself there on the bus though because despite Job Corps giving rides to doctors appointments apparently PT doesn't fucking count.

In order to (Re)enter Job Corps I have to be out of school for six months. That means I will be sitting on my ass at my grandmother's place doing nothing for a whole. Damn. Year.

If I can't find a way to stay in and bypass the termination I will NOT come back. I planned on being a Medical examiner or and FBI Headhunter, as soon as they terminate me they crush those dreams and push me that much further towards...that.

My parents have drug problems, I don't. My mother's an alcoholic, I don't even drink wine. My parents dropped out of school, check. My parents both have their GED's, minus one. My parents know how to forge checks, check. My parents know how to forge signatures, check. My parents had money problems, check. My parents knew quick ways of getting quick money, check.

Final tally: 5 for prison and 3 against. I know this isn't scientific but...it's already all I can do to keep from filling my prescription for Vicoden and heading down the street to make money. Hell, I can turn $25 in $2,000 in 6 hours, not legally but that's the whole point.

I know I'm making absolutely no sense but...I just need to vent.

P.S. sanrei, thank you for letting me spaz out today, I literally just came from the nurse when I saw you and...yeah. You are absolutely awesome and I swear I will find a way to repay you somehow.

Salt-water.

I cried today. This is notable because (With two exceptions) I don't remember having ever cried before. I'm sure that I cried when I was younger, but for as long as I can remember (Pretty far back) I have only cried twice (Aside from today). Both where in the last 5 1/2 months.

17 1/2 14 1/2 years without anything aside from allergy eyes and poking myself in the eye with various objects, and then I come to Job Corps and turn into a crybaby.

My first cry was in late Jan when I was told I needed a catheter. That cry was due to sheer and utter terror. Not fear but a deep terror (Caused by two separate but identical "Mishaps").

My second time was the knee. That was pain.

Today? Nothing physical, just the stunning realization that I've just wasted 5 1/2 months of my life and have just increased my chances of ending up exactly where my parents are.

See I knew that when I had my surgery they would have to medically terminate me from Job Corps, because of the time I'll miss. I went to the nurse (I like to think of her as Mrs. Kavorkian) today to ask if I could just take a leave for the surgery(Think of it as a vacation) so I don't have to start over in the dorms as Phase I with no points, a 10 o'clock curfew, and a top bunk on the top floor. She tells me that I won't be allowed back in until I'm done with physical therapy. When the doctor told me I needed surgery he said when it was done I would have to go through at least a year of PT (Two or three days a week, no idea the session length yet).

I am 18 now. That means that I will be 19 and all of my friends (All 3 of them--not sarcasm) will be gone. I should be used to it by now but...

I know what everyone says, everyone will call, or write but you know what? It doesn't happen. Aside from the fact that I'll be living with my grandmother who limits computer and phone use is the simple fact that when sanrei, seven_flower, and sakura_aideen graduate they will have lives, jobs, family, and other things like that. People get distracted. Just ask my old friend Crystal. While your at it tell her to call me back already (It's glaringly obvious what's going on there but I like to cling to my delusions and pray she's just busy).

But I digress.

Everything was going pretty okay, my family (Grandma, aunts, and uncles) is proud of me (For now), I'm working on getting my GED and diploma, I'm already 1/2-way through my first trade (Security), I'm Phase II, I have friends, I finally have the bottom bunk, and I have 3 roommates who I get along with great.

Now it's gone to shit.

As soon as AHCCCS approves my surgery I'm going to have it at the first available date (Because God forbid I should have it a little later and screw up my grandmother's schedule), as soon as that happens I will be terminated from Job Corps for at least a year. I'm trying to figure out if there's a way to fuck with my PT to get it on the weekends and after school, I'll still have to get myself there on the bus though because despite Job Corps giving rides to doctors appointments apparently PT doesn't fucking count.

In order to (Re)enter Job Corps I have to be out of school for six months. That means I will be sitting on my ass at my grandmother's place doing nothing for a whole. Damn. Year.

If I can't find a way to stay in and bypass the termination I will NOT come back. I planned on being a Medical examiner or and FBI Headhunter, as soon as they terminate me they crush those dreams and push me that much further towards...that.

My parents have drug problems, I don't. My mother's an alcoholic, I don't even drink wine. My parents dropped out of school, check. My parents both have their GED's, minus one. My parents know how to forge checks, check. My parents know how to forge signatures, check. My parents had money problems, check. My parents knew quick ways of getting quick money, check.

Final tally: 5 for prison and 3 against. I know this isn't scientific but...it's already all I can do to keep from filling my prescription for Vicoden and heading down the street to make money. Hell, I can turn $25 in $2,000 in 6 hours, not legally but that's the whole point.

I know I'm making absolutely no sense but...I just need to vent.

P.S. sanrei, thank you for letting me spaz out today, I literally just came from the nurse when I saw you and...yeah. You are absolutely awesome and I swear I will find a way to repay you somehow.