Depression

May. 30th, 2013 12:07 am
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (My "People Skills" Are "Rusty")
It's fun, right?

I'm pretty much bipolar. It isn't diagnosed because the job I work at that I hate doesn't give me insurance. I was gonna go to Ma's GP on Tuesday to see about getting on some kind of medication, but didn't go because a combination of not having the money and CJ wanting to talk to me about it first. Which I get, because Ma sometimes gets an idea in her head and gets her Stubborn on, and I know he just wants to make sure that I'm not agreeing to go if I'm good but just hating my job.

And, let me tell you, the amount of hate I have for this job is eclipsed only by the amount of hate I have for the asshole who is my temporary boss. Mine doesn't come back until the beginning of July, and I really don't know if I hope I'm still there then or not.

Ranting about work be under this cut. )

I added a ridiculous amount of words to my Big Bang on May 1st (almost a full 13k) and then have hardly touched it since. I feel so bad for poor [livejournal.com profile] colls, because she has 7k of coherent fic and then nothing. I try, but this entire month has been about 90% downswing and the other 10% so busy I cannot do a thing. And when I'm on a downswing I either just am too numb to care and don't even bother to try to open it, or everything is SO fucking horrible and stupid that I just want to delete it all and start from scratch. Which would be a very bad idea.

In addition to all that, one... Saturday? Friday? My old desktop broke, I moved to one we bought off a guy that was password protected in the core like work computers tend to be, so I couldn't install my work system on it. Then I moved to Ma's new desktop, which would not allow me to the login page for work, and then to Yussie's which is now mine. And then two days later my old work computer completely broke. About an hour after my laptop gave out.

Now, when I say my laptop gave out, what I really mean is it did that thing it would do occasionally where it spends about two hours trying to fix an issue it finds, and says in big, BOLD letters across the screen ATTEMPTING TO REPAIR DISC. DO NOT POWER OFF OR UNPLUG.

So, naturally, Ma turned it off. And it ruined the harddrive to the point where Yussie tried to reinstall Windows on it and it told him to go fuck himself. Now, on the plus side, I had known my desktop was giving out, so I backed it up on my server constantly. I have all my comics, fonts, PS presets, pictures, music, etc. The TV and movies I downloaded are gone, but I have 3.80TCreds on TVT and a ratio of 4.73 on IPT with 3,559 bonus points, so I'm not exactly worried about getting those back, besides just plain remembering what I want.

But my awesome husband [livejournal.com profile] unperfectwolf has been working on her Squee! submission for the last two hours and unwittingly helping me feel better by talking about finding fandom when she was in single digits and [livejournal.com profile] wincon. I genuinely am feeling a little better now, so I'm going to end this novel of a post before that turns again.

I might be super slow to respond to comments, because procrastination is awesome when I downswing.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (Sam Is Fucking Exhausted)
I was lucky enough to get grabbed by the amazing [livejournal.com profile] colls even though I have the most generic summary on the planet that I, once again, came up with right before hitting send.

A (Pinch of) Salt And Batter-y

Dean's been running the family business for all of ten minutes and he's already fucked it up so bad that Sam had to practically drop out of school to come save him. And if that's not enough, the pretentious douchebag who manages the health food store across the street won't stop hitting on Sam, and Dean is this close to physically lighting their new rival shop's owner on fire.

Or, "Sam and Dean run a bakery instead of hunting demons, Crowley opens the new cupcake shop down the street, and if Lucifer (who used to be a boring dude named Nick when he went to school with Dean) tries to hit on Sam one more time Dean is going to get arrested for murder."

THAT'S RIGHT. I WROTE A BAKERY AU FOR BIG BANG, AND THEN SOMEHOW DID NOT MENTION IN THE SUMMARY THAT I WROTE A BAKERY AU. Thankfully, I think I made [livejournal.com profile] colls pee herself with joy, so yay!

We post August 15th (101 days from now), because it's like [livejournal.com profile] wendy knows me or something.

In non-fannish news, I walked through for almost five hours today, spent 16 hours somewhat coherent and awake yesterday, am dyeing my hair, Ma's hair, and my aunt who is visiting for a month's hair tomorrow.

Also, I literally facemashed through about 13k of my Big Bang on the first, like usual, and now have to detangle it and make it coherent for my artist because, no, really, at one point I managed ten words to say that Dean was yelling.

P.S. You guys. I loooooooooooooooooove Show. I really do. Pac-Man Fever made me all fluttery all over!

Tumblr still won't let me reblog and I hate it there so I'm mostly okay with that.

I have been working Tech Support for exactly a year as of an hour 39 15 minutes from now, and I still hate it so much that I cry on a pretty much daily basis. Fun times.

I am two episodes behind Hannibal (which I am in LOVE with), STILL eight episodes behind Dexter, four behind The Voice, four behind Doctor Who, at least five behind Scandal, three behind on Glee (I hope I can quit this! I hate Glee so much and can't stop watching), one behind on Psych, and I don't even know how far behind I am on Happy Endings.

I wrote no fic in March because of a death in the family, and none in April probably in part from trying to mentally/emotionally recover from March and April (because no seriously April, WTF). I'm going to try three this month to make up for it. Feel free to laugh. (But, also, feel free to leave ideas for wee little ficlets. I have an entire window devoted to comment meme prompts I might attempt to attempt.)

OH. And I might be getting an iPhone 4? IDK if I want one, but our phones are due for upgrade, and Yussie's refuses to charge anymore, which has resulted in a lively game of "Switch me batteries" when he goes to work, comes home, and then is home for a few hours. And the iPhone 4 is a free upgrade at Verizon ($30 upgrade fee, what the actual fuck) so either he's gonna upgrade, or I will and then I'll give him my current phone (we all have HTC Thunderbolts right now).

I was going to say something else here. OH, RIGHT. Yussie broke his hand. Luckily, it happened at work, so his boss is paying for everything, and he's on light-duty so he doesn't have to miss time. He got it pinned between between a fitting and the truck while loading it at work, and then his boss said "Nah, just looks dislocated. Let me pop it in for you."

And now he's in a cast to hopefully avoid surgery and them having to screw things through his hand.

It's 11pm and I am SO. FUCKING. EXHAUSTED. I'm going to go grab my laptop to charge my phone and sleep. But not before spending five minutes making a new icon that fits this.

JFC, I did not know I had this much to say.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (Makeup)
LOOK. I REVIEWED MAKEUP. AND TOOK SHITTY PICTURES!

i also did SO MUCH adulting and errandry and walking today.

Also, I hate snow. And here's a tip: If you're in the middle of a massive snowstorm and/or have several inches of snow on your ground you satellite dish WILL NOT WORK. Don't bother calling in about it, okay? You just ruin my night and waste your time. There is literally nothing I can do about it, as I cannot control the weather and make the clouds go the fuck away. Put in a DVD.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (Sam And Dean: Functioning Morons)
Glee is horrible in just about every way. Except for Kurt and Unique. Also, I kinda like Not!Balthazar. He's adorable and he'd make a good friend or boyfriend for Kurt. Tina, meanwhile, is now the Nice Guy who is pissed off that she got "friend zoned."

Also, I'm watching Project Runway (what what WHAT THE FUCK, I do not understand some of their Top Threes sometimes) and there was an ad for their movie Twist of Faith, and it gave away the entire actual movie. What even?

I made Rice Krispie Treats today. The first batch did not work well. I assumed stale marshmallows would work fine. NOPE. Instead the toasted and then melted the spatula I was using. IDEK how that was possible. I think the universe thought I was cooking. It's okay though, I told it I was baking and the next two batches came out beautiful.

Also, I had a REALLY big downswing today and have thus been grazing on random food here and there non-stop. Which, you know, great way to celebrate actually having a loss for the first time in two weeks.

On the upside, I applied to Fry's and Walmart. On the downside, applying to Fry's and Walmart are pluses.

Also, I woke up at 6 today, watched The First Wives Club and then fell asleep with JUST enough time to almost make us late for Ma's doctor's appointment.

I hate that I work at a job that makes me miserable enough that I should probably be on medication, and that because of said job I can't afford to see anyone or take time off or anything. I was actually crying as I answered my first call this afternoon, and that shit is hard to hide when it isn't silent tears.

More work rambling and self-pity. )
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (My "People Skills" Are "Rusty")
Part of it anyway, at least. Today was my day off, so me and Ma went shopping and bought ALL THE THINGS. Except hangers. Then we came home and I cleaned off the kitchen table that was horrific, and my side table, which was not as horrific but still bothered me.

Tomorrow we tackle all the cabinets in the kitchen, and the bathrooms.

I also managed to get enough hours switched and traded that I did three hours of work tonight so that I would have my morning shift on Thursday free to go with Ma to her doctor again. Legit just about the only thing I like about my job is that it's work-at-home and that I have a split shift, so I work 9a-1p my time, and then 4p-8p. So it's like getting a three hour lunch in the middle of getting screamed at by morons!

P.S. Anyone know how to make a shitty resume look good? Or any kind of cover letter? I've gotten desparate enough to be seeking info from websites, even when I know they're full of shit (my cover letter REEKS of "PLEASE HIRE ME FOR ANYTHING AT ALL, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE").

Pictures under the cut of the awesome Unfucking I did today. )
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (SRS BZNIS - J2)
HI THAR. LONG TIME NO SPEAK. Here's what you missed: I got new glasses! And lost 17.6 pounds since February 13th of last year. Technically, I lost way more than that at one point, but then had a really bad downswing, mood-wise in October and it decided to stay until basically January. But I'm starting new again! I'm marking down all my food I eat and making a conscious effort not to eat when I'm bored or not actually hungry. I am super looking forward to being able to buy clothes without crying. I think I did that once. It was nice.

I work for a satellite company now! And have since May! (JFC, really? It's been that log?) I am tech support, and if you want to see me rant about how much I hate people you can follow me on Twitter, because I fucking hate people. There is a reason I.T. people are always angry and annoyed in TV/movies. IT'S BECAUSE OF PEOPLE WHO CALL ME FOR HELP, AND THEN TELL ME I'M WRONG. BITCH, WHICH ONE OF US GETS PAID TO DO THIS SHIT AND WHICH ONE ADMITTED DEFEAT AND CALLED FOR HELP?

Also, Supernatural is back, and has been for a while, and I still LOVE IT. I know this is an unpopular opinion, but it's mine and I want to dress it in frilly clothes and make it have sex with it's brother. Or something. )

While we're talking about me not posting shit ever: how the fuck did I only write two fics last year? )

BUT! That brings me to my next point! I'm aiming for at least one posted fic every month this year. One done, so far! I might even have two this month, possibly.

Also, [livejournal.com profile] spn_j2_bigbang! I signed up for it again, and I have a fic idea already (that will hopefully stick), and an awesome title possibly, and I might actually attempt to write the worst summary possible this year, because that's what I get when I try to write a good one, so if I aim specifically for bad I might stumble into perfection. There will be a Flocked post about this after this one, because, duh.

In addition to living on Twitter, I also live on Tumblr now, despite fucking HATING it. And then I had a rant about Teen Wolf, which I like for some reason. )

ALSO! THERE WAS [livejournal.com profile] wincon! WIIIIIIIIINCOOOOOOOOOON! IT WAS AWESOME, AND I LOVED IT, AND I AM NOW ONE OF THE CO-CHAIRS OF PROGRAMMING! GO SUBMIT A PANEL, YOU GUYS! This year we're in VEGAS and it's going to be so fucking amazing I don't even know where to start. Actually, it's so fucking awesome that I will make a separate flailing post about it later.

Also, in my absence I have done ALL THE ART EVER. It was not easy, and the Mona Lisa was cranky. I have become [livejournal.com profile] unavoidedcrisis's Dedicated Pinch-Hitter for her eleventy-five Big Bangs she runs, and have four arts I'm doing for [livejournal.com profile] apocalypsebang alone. I'm very excited, and also very worried, because, obviously. Ugh, I am stressing myself out just thinking about it right now, even though there's no reason to. On the plus side, each of the arts and the steps in the process are gonna average out to another level or two in GetYeDone. What, you ask, is GetYeDone? I AM SO HAPPY TO TELL YOU!



This site is basically the best thing ever. It's a To Do List site that lets you level up and earn EXP, which, man, is fucking awesome if you're as competitive as I am. The site itself is still brand new, and the party system is still under development, but you guys should all go join, add me over there, and then comment here with your name so I can add back when the parties go live. I'm Clex the Indecisive over there, shockingly.

In case anyone was wondering, I spent the entire Superbowl writing this, am counting it as a Boss Fight because I have put this off for literally an entire month, and am happy that the Ravens won.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (How Is This My Life?)
Yesterday I did SO MUCH fucking walking, and ate so little (not on purpose, but because the walking was away from home and Walmart frowns on your eating their food as you walk through the store) and gained 1.2 pounds anyway. I'm telling myself it's muscle, but mostly I just fucking hate my body.

Woke up super early today and helped Ma make spaghetti. And then I had a small meltdown today when I tried to do [livejournal.com profile] wincon things.

Originally I was gonna make a Powergirl costume, but while most of my body can fit an XL or XXL (I have a long torso, apparently? I think that's not correct) my chest needs an XXXXL leotard, and they can apparently only be ordered as high as XXL, even though the manufacturer's website says otherwise. I really, really wanted to dress up for the Comics panel. That's not happening now.

And then I tried to find something for WinProm, and got to cry uncontrollably for a while, because they literally don't make things in my size at most of the places I looked, and Torrid only has hideous mumu-looking things and dresses that are fucking strapless, because if you're big you must also be flat, for some fucking reason.

So now I'm going to attempt a plus-size Halloween costume and hope I can afford it and fit it (probably not either, because that's how it goes), so on Monday I might have another small meltdown.

I hate my job so much. My new boss is awesome, but my job itself is still horrible, and it makes me hate the company I work for and every fucking person who calls in. Tech support is a horrible, thankless job, and if you are one of those assholes who calls in and then tries to tell the person on the phone that they're wrong, or starts doing shit they weren't told to, or fucking doesn't let the tech say anything, or is fucking RUDE AS HELL to them, I hate you. You're a fucking asshole and you need to fix your shit up.

Anyone know any legit work at home jobs? That's what mine is now, so I've got the whole setup for it, but I need something that makes me want to cry a lot less.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (Sam Thinks You're ADORABLE)
I TURNED MINE IN LAST NIGHT!

THIS IS THE VERY FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER FINISHED BY BIG BANG DRAFT BEFORE THE ABSOLUTE LAST MOMENT!

AND I HAVE A JOB! I START TRAINING ON MONDAY! WHICH IS WHEN ART CLAIMS GO UP FOR [livejournal.com profile] spn_j2_bigbang!

I SHOULD PROBABLY SLEEP NOW.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (MOG YAY! - SAMMY!)
It's my biiiiiiiiiiirthday!

I'm possibly celebrating it by going to see Bully, but that depends on if Ma's Celiac's is still drop-kicking her.

Also, I have lost 24.2 pounds since the middle of February, when I started trying!

And I have a job! I start training May 7th, I'm going to be customer service/tech support for DirecTV, and I get to work from home!

And I've passed 13k on my Big Bang! And signed up for [livejournal.com profile] wincestielbang because I'm crazy.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (BAD. DAY.)
Just got fired over the phone on a Sunday afternoon.

I was temp to hire through Job Brokers, and the dude in charge of me there called me while I was getting into the shower to let me know Carrington wanted to terminate my contract. He wanted to call me now so I "didn't have to worry about going in to work tomorrow."

They said it was because of "performance issues" and something that basically says I didn't comply with my schedule.

But that's BULLSHIT because I arrive ten minutes early every day, I leave on time, I don't take extra breaks or lunch or anything.

And we have almost daily meetings with our boss to discuss our performance and plan out how to make it better and as of FRIDAY I was doing great.

I asked Chris, the guy from Job Brokers, to see if he could find out more because, really, it makes NO SENSE.

This is just, like. So very out of the blue. In keeping with my resolution(s), I'm gonna make a list of upsides to this.


  • I don't have to put on makeup tomorrow.

  • I don't have to dress up tomorrow.

  • I can go with Ma to the hospital (outpatient, nothing serious) so she doesn't have to drive back.

  • I can get unemployment while I job hunt.

  • In theory, I won't have to settle for something I hate because unemployment will help money-wise.

  • We won't have to spend money on gas getting me to and from work every day.

  • I will have more time to write.

  • I have makeup and better clothes to interview with.

  • I will have more time to figure out how to do art on a computer that tries to kill itself when I open anything that uses practically any memory.

  • I can catch up on my comics.


I know these look like stupid upsides, and I shouldn't be happy to lose my job because that means I can write more fanfic, but, really? I'm not happy. I'm grasping at straws because I really liked that job. A LOT. And I thought I was doing good! I usually hate wherever I work and/or am convinced I'm doing horrible and in danger of getting fired, and the one time I think I'm doing okay I actually get fired.

And now I get to redo my resume again. I think there's some way I can work out the OCD planning I do for Chat and our rooms/planning/outtings at WinCon every year. That's totally event planning, right?
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (You're An Idiot (Sam Thinks So Too))
This week started bad with the battery on the computer and then today we just keep getting blow after blow and it gets worse and worse.

Cut for length. )For extra giggles, I'm gonna list the money I crap that is directly related to me:

Bank account: -$270
Laptop Battery: $165
WinCon Room: $260
Food for WinCon: $???
Tattoo at WinCon: Ahahahaha, yeah, that's probably not happening.

That is almost SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS RIGHT THERE. And completely ignoring all the household bills that we're behind on. (Which would be, you know. All of them.)

I need material objects to sell. Anyone wanna buy some crappily hand-knitted potholders? Glorified stick-figures? Shitty drabbles?

Didn't think so.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (RL: BROKE AS A FUCKING JOKE)
I am 25 years old and have no ability to live on my own or have a credit card because I am obscenely in debt from hospital bills and do not come close to making enough to even attempt to try paying them off.

Also? After sitting down and factoring in gas and lunch money with my paycheck, I officially pay to have a job. That I can't stand. And our commission is paid two months out, so if I even hit this ridiculous new quot they have for us I will not actually get paid for it until October.

I make $12.50 an hour, and I would be more of a help with bills if I had no job.

On the plus side, sometime this week my TV will be moved downstairs and I will have a bed again!

I've actually been sleeping on the couch in the living room for the last few months (combination of me not having enough spoons to go up and down our stairs that much every day and Ma's old bed immediately stealing half her spoons every time she slept in it), so this is pretty awesome.

I should make a post relatively soon about my various medical fails (I don't like the term "disabilities" in reference to myself, because mine are not as bad as they could be and, also, it honestly kinda scares me to think about it that way). I don't really talk about them often and, basically, unless you see me entering or leaving WinCon I tend to look like everyone else.

Ugh, yeah.

So, anyway.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (Emo Kid - Dean)

I hate my job so much. Everything about it sucks, and it's far away and they treat us like shit here.

I am actually contemplating seeing if the Applebees by the house is hiring, even knowing the horrors if working in a restaurant.

That is how much I hate it here.

It isn't interesting, it isn't fun, it doesn't pay well, and I hate coming in to work every day.

Anyone here awesome at resumes?







Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (Crisis of Faith/Conscience - Sam)
I am still pretty obsessed with this song. I want to tattoo Johnathon Groff's voice in this on me.

Speaking of tattoos, I want one so damn bad. I was supposed to get an army man and Lego (judge away, I don't care) back in, like, March, and then it kept getting out back. My big brother's sister (me and him share Ma, he and her share a dad) is gonna get his ADC number on her, so we were gonna get them together.

Problem is that she lives nine hours north in Pinion (she teaches English on the res up near Four Corners. English like writing, not like ESL) and thus can only get down here occasionally. Also, B (our older brother) is gonna help her design hers so she wants to wait for that. So it was gonna be done in March then got pushed back, then was gonna be done in May, but it got pushed back, and then she was down here in Phoenix from Friday to today to see B and go to a Cake concert, but then she ended up not coming here today because she had to get back up north.

And here is where I start to get emo. )

Instead of doing a quick one-off entry and then writing my Big Bang (I killed the ending and now can't make one fit) I have been writing this for an hour and a half. I'm gonna post now and go back to ignoring all my feelings, because when I do that I don't feel like I'm depressed!
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (Work: I AM A PROFESSIONAL)
I know; I don't update for months and then when I do it's just to ask for help.

Anyone here good at writing resumes? I hate my job and it makes me so miserable I actually want to cry. But, sadly, my resume probably looks like shit and I can't figure out how to make myself look like someone who should be hired.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (Work: I AM A PROFESSIONAL)
I know; I don't update for months and then when I do it's just to ask for help.

Anyone here good at writing resumes? I hate my job and it makes me so miserable I actually want to cry. But, sadly, my resume probably looks like shit and I can't figure out how to make myself look like someone who should be hired.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (Are You My Mommy - SamandDean)
Disclaimer: I worked with this person in an advertising capacity, but I have already gotten credit for her ad campaign, so whether or not she sells more does not reflect on me monetarily.

Anyone on my FList have kids? Or sometimes carry around things they don't want to melt? Or have any kind of medication that has to be kept cold? You should get an Icy Diamond Tote. They're small, insulated bags that can be kept colder than lunch bags and, also, have the benefit of not looking like a lunch bag!

Buy a small tote, or a bigger backpack, and be off for a limited time when you enter COOL2010 in your online order.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (Are You My Mommy - SamandDean)
Disclaimer: I worked with this person in an advertising capacity, but I have already gotten credit for her ad campaign, so whether or not she sells more does not reflect on me monetarily.

Anyone on my FList have kids? Or sometimes carry around things they don't want to melt? Or have any kind of medication that has to be kept cold? You should get an Icy Diamond Tote. They're small, insulated bags that can be kept colder than lunch bags and, also, have the benefit of not looking like a lunch bag!

Buy a small tote, or a bigger backpack, and be off for a limited time when you enter COOL2010 in your online order.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (Bleeding and Broken - Dean)
Today was a day. I will post small bits because I'm tired and just plain don't want to talk about stuff a lot.

Work is fun, I like it, but I am cursed by people who want to show ads in only a twenty-mile radius (not really their fault, I don't expect a local pizza place, for example, to advertise nation-wide), or who immediately change their entire campaigns once I'm done, thus ensuring that they don't get clicks and I don't get credit. They let us surf YouTube or listen to Pandora or do whatever between calls, so long as we pay attention and stop everything else when we are on a call, so that's awesome too.

I got a random message on Facebook about a week ago from someone who used to know my babysitter when I was little (five or younger, because this was IL). It was incredibly creepy and kinda fucked with my day bad, because my old babysitter was not a good person and bad people tend to be friends with bad people.

Last Monday my big brother entered his plea bargain (I had to go to work), and today he was officially sentenced to natural life without parole. My boss let me off from work so I went up there with Ma and CJ. I'm really glad I got to go, because the judge and the guard let us hug him. I haven't been able to hug him in literally five or six years, because he has non-contact visitation, so when we see each other it's through glass. After court me and Ma got to see him for visitation, but the county jail down in Tucson is half-hour visits only, and through video, so it wasn't like I was used to.

He an Ma cried a lot, so I stayed strong, didn't cry, and didn't let my eyes water much, but now I'm worried that he might think I don't care because I wasn't crying. I didn't want to cry though, because I hate crying and I feel weak and shitty when I do it, and I know it would make them both feel bad, so I didn't. And I'm not crying now because I'm trying not to focus on the fact that if I ever get to physically hug Bryon again it won't be for, at least, twenty years.

And then, and I know this is so fucking piddly in comparison, but money is tight, we got home and I realized my team's pot luck and Secret Santa is tomorrow, so I had to spend ten bucks on a gift card and ended up buying brownies instead of making them because I am fucking tired and it's cheaper than getting everything we need for the brownies. But, still, about fifteen bucks that didn't have to be spent there.

Well, now that I've depressed myself again, and all of you, I'm going to go do things and try to sleep.
clex_monkie89: Close-cropped picture of Sam and Dean Winchester sitting far closer than normal people. (Bleeding and Broken - Dean)
Today was a day. I will post small bits because I'm tired and just plain don't want to talk about stuff a lot.

Work is fun, I like it, but I am cursed by people who want to show ads in only a twenty-mile radius (not really their fault, I don't expect a local pizza place, for example, to advertise nation-wide), or who immediately change their entire campaigns once I'm done, thus ensuring that they don't get clicks and I don't get credit. They let us surf YouTube or listen to Pandora or do whatever between calls, so long as we pay attention and stop everything else when we are on a call, so that's awesome too.

I got a random message on Facebook about a week ago from someone who used to know my babysitter when I was little (five or younger, because this was IL). It was incredibly creepy and kinda fucked with my day bad, because my old babysitter was not a good person and bad people tend to be friends with bad people.

Last Monday my big brother entered his plea bargain (I had to go to work), and today he was officially sentenced to natural life without parole. My boss let me off from work so I went up there with Ma and CJ. I'm really glad I got to go, because the judge and the guard let us hug him. I haven't been able to hug him in literally five or six years, because he has non-contact visitation, so when we see each other it's through glass. After court me and Ma got to see him for visitation, but the county jail down in Tucson is half-hour visits only, and through video, so it wasn't like I was used to.

He an Ma cried a lot, so I stayed strong, didn't cry, and didn't let my eyes water much, but now I'm worried that he might think I don't care because I wasn't crying. I didn't want to cry though, because I hate crying and I feel weak and shitty when I do it, and I know it would make them both feel bad, so I didn't. And I'm not crying now because I'm trying not to focus on the fact that if I ever get to physically hug Bryon again it won't be for, at least, twenty years.

And then, and I know this is so fucking piddly in comparison, but money is tight, we got home and I realized my team's pot luck and Secret Santa is tomorrow, so I had to spend ten bucks on a gift card and ended up buying brownies instead of making them because I am fucking tired and it's cheaper than getting everything we need for the brownies. But, still, about fifteen bucks that didn't have to be spent there.

Well, now that I've depressed myself again, and all of you, I'm going to go do things and try to sleep.

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